You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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