Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
