Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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