my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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