i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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