i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
