You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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