They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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