I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
