Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
