i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
