please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
