It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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