ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
