Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
