is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
