she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
