Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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