saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
