I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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