I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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