I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
