i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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