theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
