he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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