She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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