The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i think i just lost a toe
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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