I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
