We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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