someone get that fucking seahorse.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
