You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
