If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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