Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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