we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
