Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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