i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
