Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
