Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
