our cab driver is having phone sex.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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