I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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