If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
