i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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