OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
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I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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