is your mom at the bar?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hippo gnu deer
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
