I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
