He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
