after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
