dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
His hands were made for my vagina.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
