theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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