Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
