so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
