we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
