I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
