I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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