Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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