My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
