That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
